Our sommelier Goon rated the brands of boxed wine from bad to good


I was 26 when I drank my first sip of goon.

Not because I had avoided it or anything, but because I started my grog tenure with Passion Pop before moving on to vodka and then white and sparkling wine.

I was never against boxed wine, I just think watching gronks at parties playing ‘Goon of Fortune’ in my early 20s or seeing that metallic bag going around just didn’t appeal to me. Plus, let’s face it, the word ‘goon’ doesn’t exactly sound like a sommelier-approved bevvy, does it?

I’m getting hints of… garbage juice!

But yeah, one day I ended up with a mug of moron in my hand and was pleasantly surprised to learn that it just tastes, believe it or not, of wine!

I wouldn’t say it’s become my usual go-to drink, but if I ever go to a party where I know I’ll have to share with a bunch of people or just run out of cash that week. , I go for the humble goon bag.

But, as with every drink, there is a scale when it comes to quality, so to help you decide which can to buy we have categorized the brands of goon.

10. Sunnyvale

Average price: $ 14.

Region: Victoria.

Liters: 4L.

Standard drinks: 30.

You really get what you pay for with this one. So if, say, I’m in the last week of my pay cycle and looking for a bev but running out of dollarydoos, that’s what I’m rolling with.

From a taste standpoint, it’s not exactly the first level, so if you’re new to the genre, I wouldn’t recommend starting with this.

But if you’ve got a seasoned moron’s palace and you’re up for clowning, then go for it, buddy.

9. Tangled vine

Average price: $ 14.

Region: South East Australia.

Liters: 4L.

Standard drinks: 31.6.

This is another of my late pay cycle choices.

Relatively tasty, with a wide range of wine choices, but, I’m not gonna lie, I have a terrible headache just looking at the box (or maybe it’s just PTSD from my last one). hangover).

8. Sovereign Point

Average price: $ 14.

Region: South East Australia.

Liters: 4.4L.

Standard drinks: 40.

Ah, fabulous memories are attached to this booze box.

This one is a real bargain, considering there are more liters and standard drinks than the other ranges.

In terms of taste, as my boyfriend said, “it does the job, but it’s not on the amateur side.”

Do what you want with this information.

7. Golden oaks

Average price: $ 12.

Region: Victoria.

Liters: 4L.

Standard drinks: 30.

This one is cheaper and you don’t skimp on the taste, which we love.

Plus, the name of it sounds so lush. You won’t feel like a total yobbo rolling to park drinks with your faaaaahbulous Golden Oaks goonie.

6. Stanley

Average price: $ 15.

Region: Riverland.

Liters: 4L.

Standard drinks: 35.

This one is on the more exxy side, but there’s a reason for that.

Not only does it look more stylish (just check out this bold, mature packaging), but it’s also a premium option, in terms of taste. Plus, it offers 35 standard drinks, which is more than most.

A favorite for dinner / house party.

5. Coolabah

Average price: $ 15.

Region: Undisclosed (Guess Coolabah?)

Liters: 5L.

Standard drinks: 36.

One of the most iconic goon brands, it comes in a 25% extra value pack which is a total of 5 liters per box which is perfect for parties and festivals (lol, you sure remember?) need to make it last.

Plus, they have one of the biggest drink varieties I’ve ever seen in Goon including rosé (see above) which you don’t see very often!

4. Dawn

Average price: $ 15.

Region: South East Australia.

Liters: 5L.

Standard drinks: 57.5.

The logo on the box carries a rising sun that conjures up a cheerful image of park festivities, balcony sessions, or a darker image of watching the sun rise after a big one where you question your lifestyle choices, but not your decision to go for dawn because this bad boy is still routing bevvies through his 5 liter coffin and let’s face it, at that point you really need it!

It should also be noted that this brand is known for making a great cooking wine.

3. Domains Berri

Average price: $ 15.

Region: Riverland region.

Liters: 5L.

Standard drinks: 39.

The website advises you to pair this one with seafood, which is always a positive sign when selecting goon varieties as it means it’s a fancy pants drop.

It’s also a large 5 liter coffin and its name sounds like a flash, doesn’t it?

According to the box, it contains over 6 bottles of toddy and the packaging itself is eco-friendly which is always great.

2. From Bertolli

Average price: $ 22.

Region: Riverina region.

Liters: 5L.

Standard drinks: 39.

Entering at # 2 is one of the more upscale options: De Bertolli.

This award-winning selection is best known for its red grape varieties, so if you like red this is the one for you.

It also comes in a Sauvignon Blanc bag, which is a bargain since it’s hard to find in the Sav bag.

Because it pairs really well with food, I recommend taking this one with you to dinner parties, if bottles aren’t an option (they also sell wines by the bottle, BTW!).

1. Yalumba

Average price: $ 14.

Region: South Australia.

Liters: 2L.

Standard drinks: 21.

We have reached the Promised Land, ladies and gentlemen.

The best. The moron of the gold star. The Prue and Trude of boxed wine.

Yalumba (ahhh, that even looks lush, doesn’t it?)

Plus, the size, color, and style of the box makes it more socially acceptable, doesn’t it?

It’s the closest goonie to bottled wine, pretty much. * chef’s kiss *

Enjoy your foray into Goon, fam!

Matty Galea is the senior entertainment editor at Pedestrian who is also interested in woo-woo stuff like astrology and crystals and has been writing horoscopes since the start of his career. He also has Tweets about pop culture and astrology and posts spicy content on Instagram.

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